How To Deal With People With ADHD

At the beginning of the year, I went into thorough detail about what ADHD is. Almost immediately after posting that, I got asked a question. A question that in all honesty I found pretty rude. “Are you going to write about how to deal with people with ADHD? You really should. Even though what you wrote helps me understand, I still don’t know how to deal with you”

I mean, how to “deal” with people with ADHD? F@#k me sideways. Well, put away your wallet, because you aren’t going to go hiring a hitman if that’s what you’re asking. I mean wouldn’t it be nice if that was the best solution for people you find difficult or hard to interact with? Open the yellow pages to the hitmen for hire, so you can “deal” with them? Talk about an RSD trigger. 

Anyway, I guess I should talk about how to properly interact with someone with ADHD. If you need a guide, that is.

How To “Deal” With People With ADHD: A One-Step Guide

Seriously, there’s no secret guide to this. In all honesty, we just want to be treated with the same care, respect, and understanding that you treat everyone else. The majority of people who are properly diagnosed with ADHD know our shortcomings. We are doing our best to manage them, whether it seems like it or not.

People with ADHD seem to mention or talk about it a bit. Yes, doing so is in part for others; So that they may try to understand. However, I would put forth the argument that it’s mostly for ourselves. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD, is an absolute b*#ch that is present more often than it should be. 

A lot of people with ADHD are constantly terrified that they are doing something wrong. So, explaining how their brain functions differently is a way to get ahead of that. I once saw a comic that perfectly exemplifies this feeling.

Person 1: Hey, are you mad at me?

Person 2: No, I have no reason to be.

1st person thinking to themselves: “They’re probably mad at me for asking that”

Just treat us like you would any friend or person you care about. You don’t need to know how to deal with someone with ADHD. 

However, I know this answer won’t satisfy most. Therefore, I’ll give you some things you should keep in mind when you need to interact with someone with ADHD.

Things To Keep In Mind

Well, there are a couple of things that might help. If one is willing to try to understand, that is.

The ADHD Brain

First and foremost, the way the ADHD brain develops is different from the average person’s. They are part of a larger subgroup of people commonly referred to as “Neurodivergent”. Whereas the average person is referred to as “Neurotypical”. 

There’s a really easy way to envision this. If you’ve ever seen the movie Divergent, then you probably have a grasp on how it is. In the movie, people who are divergent think differently, and the normal people don’t like that. Therefore, normal people have been trying to figure out how to “deal” with them. Spoiler alert, they choose the hitman method. All the while, the divergents just try to fit in. Ends up causing a huge war. Yada, yada.

A morbid and extreme example, but it makes it pretty clear. Our brains are different. You can’t expect us to react to or care about things how most people would. Most of us just want to be accepted, respected, cared about, and to belong without constant ridicule. Ridicule that stems from the fact we don’t do things the way most people would.

Rejection and Failure

This is a big one. Due to the prevalence of rejection sensitivity in us, I can understand why someone might ask how to deal with someone with ADHD. If you need a detailed account of what rejection sensitivity and RSD entails, I wrote about it as a precursor to this.

To sum it up, we are hypersensitive and take things harder than most. I’m guessing when I say this, but I would bet that most people with ADHD do their best to hide their hypersensitivity. So, just don’t be an over-critical jerk and we should be fine. If you want to go that extra mile, then be supportive. That’ll look different for each person, but it’s always appreciated. If only for the effort.

The number one thing, at least in my book, is to be reliable. Keep the plans that you set, do what you say you’re going to do, and don’t attack us needlessly. It is neither our fault nor yours that we are like this. Most people with ADHD would never put that on you. However, what is someone’s fault is the constant blame, shame, and humiliation we feel from the things others say. Even if it’s “out of love, concern, and/or worry.”

Yet, don’t be surprised if the person has spent time and effort trying to build a relationship or explaining things before giving up in the end. When constantly ridiculed, criticized, argued with, or belittled, even if only perceived, many people with ADHD will just give up. Avoid the pain.

That’s also why they may seem to be extremely different with other people. To avoid that rejection, a lot of people with ADHD will mask. They might mirror who they are with, crafting a semi-unique personality for each individual they know.

Honestly, out of everything that comes with ADHD, this might be the thing that requires the most patience and understanding. If you had to “do” anything, I would advise thinking about how you word things. For example, most people don’t realize how harsh “You” statements can truly be.  

It Doesn’t Mean We Don’t Care

As I said earlier, we tend to know our shortcomings. If you think you’re frustrated with us, I can assure you the majority of us are more frustrated with ourselves. Take your frustration, amplify it to a degree of ten, and you just might get close. 

This frustration can cause them to lash out. After all, emotional dysregulation is a fantastic part of ADHD. Often they aren’t lashing out at any one person or thing. Themselves, if anything, but it gets directed at whatever or whoever is near. If they raise their voice, they probably aren’t yelling at you. They’re just yelling, as that’s the only way they feel they can express themselves.

Time blindness is a thing. Many people with ADHD don’t perceive time properly. This causes them to miss things or be late for things. If this is why you want to know how to deal with someone with ADHD, then just give them an earlier time.

Oh, then there’s getting lost in thought or zoning out. I’ve confirmed with many people with ADHD that they do this. Apparently, it’s common. If what’s being said is mundane or boring, they will finish your sentence in their head. If that’s a common occurrence, then they may just zone out thinking about other things. Perhaps they are trying really hard, but they might end up skipping ahead in the conversation by a handful of sentences or thoughts.

We care. Probably more than most. We also certainly try very hard. Definitely more than most. There are just some disconnects. It sucks, but it’s true. Saying we need to “just try harder” does nothing but put us in a spiral of pain and failure. 

Also, anecdotal stories are how most express empathy and try to connect.

We Are Different

We covered this a bit with the difference in brain functions. Let’s make it super easy, though. All people with ADHD are different. There is no one size fits all answer. Some hate small talk and would rather delve into deep topics. Some would rather be the person at the event reading a book or playing a game in the corner. Others relish being the center of attention and doing “the thing”.

However, we do tend to be super intense in our own ways. Many have a hard time reading social queues. Therefore, it’s best to be direct without being rude.

Each is unique. Each has their own coping mechanisms. There’s no one singular way of how to deal with people with ADHD. Just as there is no one way to deal with someone without.

How To Properly Interact With People With ADHD In Short.

Honestly, the simple answer. Treat us with the dignity and respect you’d give anyone else. Keep in mind, we are wired differently from you and therefore think and react differently. That alone should make it easier. Perhaps a big part of the problem is the fact that many look at this as how to deal with people with ADHD and not how to interact with them.

If you need more than just that, then stop reading this and scroll up. Don’t skim, and actually read what you think might help.

I have ADHD, an “Attention Disorder”. Yet, I took the time to write and edit this. 

What’s your excuse?

As always, we believe we should live with intention, travel with purpose, and let the world inscribe its stories upon us.

So until next time, stay authentic, stay Nomadic, and let the world inscribe its stories upon you more than you do upon it.