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Ever since I met my wife Lisa I had a sneaking suspicion that Austrians are crazy drivers. I’m not saying they are bad drivers necessarily, but they are absolutely fucking insane. With how close Austria is to Bavaria I wouldn’t be surprised if they are the reasons that BMWs have holy shit handles. My wife hid it well for a decent amount of time, but after coming to Austria I’ve experienced so many more Austrian drivers. Yet my experience last weekend blew my mind, but we will get to that later.
Austrians are crazy drivers and I’m not the only one to think so.
My Experience With Austrian Drivers Before Last Weekend.
The two Austrians I have the most experience with the most are my wife and her mother. I am constantly saying to them, “This isn’t Fast & Furious and you aren’t Vin Diesel!” The only reason I don’t say this to other Austrians is I don’t want to appear rude.
Whenever I drive with an Austrian I end up incredibly nauseated. Between the hairpin turns, quick jerking back and forth, and riding the brake it feels like a roller coaster ride every time I get in a car here. Fast acceleration and even faster deceleration. It’s maniacal. Lisa’s dad and grandpa drive the same way too. Arguably even more recklessly.
Some of Lisa’s Friends
When some of Lisa’s friends joined us on a trip I had some driving experiences with those two that blew my mind. One of them owned the car they were using but had no driver’s license. Yet being a true Karen she insisted that she could drive when and where she wanted since it was her car. I go into much more detail about Karen in The Nightmarish Travelling Companion.
Her other friend, which we have named Beth for anonymity’s sake, was just as surprising. She had just gotten her driver’s license. The few times she drove on that trip I was astonished she got it at all. She was clearly terrified of driving. Nearly everything scared her.
Shifting gears was a terrifying process and we figured out why one day when we took the wrong path. We came to a split in the road and she had to turn around on a slight incline. Beth turned around just fine, but as soon as she started trying to go she kept stalling
As people stopped to wait for her she started panicking more. The reason she kept stalling was that she would let go of the clutch before pressing down on the gas at all. She would quickly push down on the gas after letting go of the clutch.
I calmly explained to her that she has to slowly release the clutch as she pushes down on the gas so that it catches. From that moment on her shifting and starting were perfectly fine. How she passed her driver’s test in a manual I have no clue. Yet she was not the worst. Not by far. No wonder Austrians are crazy drivers.
So What Happened Last Weekend That Affirmed That Austrians Are Crazy Drivers?
So my wife had planned for the two of us to go to a chocolate manufacturer with a bunch of her friends. It was down by Graz so about an hour and a half to two hours away from us. We don’t have a car so we planned on driving with her friend Vicky.
Well, initially there was nothing other than the normal jerking and swerving. No big deal. That is until we got on the highway. Almost immediately we are barrelling down the highway at around 160 kilometres an hour. Normally speed isn’t a big issue. It becomes an issue when you start to drive like you are in Formula One.
As we race down the highway we are weaving in and out of lanes at breakneck speeds. Passing people left and right. A close call in the driver’s blindspots got my heart pounding. I grabbed the holy shit handle with one hand, but things were still relatively ok. At least until we got to the mountains.
Driving Through The Mountains.
As we get to the mountains it started raining. Not a downpour, but by no means a trickle. We were still going 160 and it looked like it had been raining there for a while. There were a lot more cars on the road as it tightened a bit. If you were in the left lane the tire was less than half a foot from the partition. Yet the swerving in and out of lanes continued. She wasn’t the only one either. Austrians are crazy drivers.
With the road being slick with rain and the all too scary experiences I’ve had with hydroplaning clear in my mind, my free hand starts to death grip the metal bar of my wife’s headrest. Even with a death grip on both the holy shit handle and that metal bar I was still terrified. My wife laughed at every “Oh fuck” and “Fuck me” I let escape my lips. Almost as if she was enjoying it.
Then it started to happen. With so many cars on the road, people tend to slow down somewhat randomly. The first three times we went from 160 to 80 in less than two seconds I felt my soul leave my body. Every time after my soul stayed put, but my sphincter got the workout of its lifetime.
When we hit a section of construction we finally slowed down. Yet slowing down did not stop my soul from trying to escape again when our tires partially went off the road at a fork. I honestly believe that I was the only one to notice as the car’s left side dropped and the sound changed. Once off the Highway, it was back to swerving and jerking until we got to the chocolate factory.
The Drive Back
Before we left I was adamant that I wouldn’t be going back with Vicky driving. I don’t think I will ever get in her car again if I’m being totally honest. Her boyfriend said he would drive, but I wasn’t convinced. I found out later he lost his license by driving while stoned. What’s with Austrians without a license thinking it’s ok to drive?
A guy named Flo offered to drive us back. Awesome dude and an absolute godsend. Yet until I saw how he was on the highway I couldn’t calm my booming heart. Once on the highway, I was content. After calming down I even ended up falling asleep.
When I finally woke up we got talking and I thanked him for the ride. After which I complimented him on his driving he said something surprising.
“I only drove like that because you asked. Normally I drive the other way.” he laughed at the compliment. I chuckled before thanking him for that. Man, Austrians are crazy drivers….
How are drivers where you’re from? Where do you think the craziest drivers are from? Share your crazy driver stories with us down below!
Stay authentic, stay nomadic, and let the world inscribe itself upon you as you do so upon it.
